Leaving a Mark

As one advances in years there comes a time when you start to think of leaving your mark on life before it is too late. Something left to spark the memory in others so that they remember you once you have passed. Something so the memory of you stays alive.

I have lived an inconspicuous life. Nor have I done anything remarkable. I own nothing to hand down. I have nothing to leave, per se.  Except......I noticed something recently.

My four children do not realize it but they each have a small part of me in them. I see it though it isn't much. They are themselves.

However, my grandson.....now, he is like me. It makes me smile wide to watch him and hear him. My words coming back to me. My actions being played out. My face motions being replayed. I must laugh at the 'mini-me' of 5 years old with the twinkle in his eyes and that timid smile. He does not realize what he has picked up from me, while other traits were already present at birth.

He is a gentle soul filled with love for others. He is as shy as one can be. Tears close to the surface as any shy person is familiar with. Timid and quiet when out and about. Louder and rules when safely at home where he is comfortable enough to express himself. He protects and directs his younger brother.

He is creative and artistic...a thinker...more than a runner or a player.  His mother calls him a hoarder, I say he is environmentally conscience...he creates items from what most of us refer to as trash.

He rolls his eyes and tucks his napkin in the top of his shirt. And just like me, he loves tomato soup with crackers. He saves my pennies for his Mickey Fund and he loves nutcrackers. He sweeps my floor and empties my trash. He moves my items from one spot to another cause I guess, he thinks they look better over there. He unpacks my Christmas decorations, arranges them, then rearranges them everyday that he comes to visit and repacks them when he declares the holiday if over. Because, he keeps track of these kinds of things. (smiling here)

He loves the concept of school, but is hesitant to go yet he toughs it out and walks forward. A brave little soul.

He loves to be loved without the hugs and kisses.

He likes to feel safe. He feels too much. He is all that I was and am.

Now I know, the memory of me will live on long after I am gone. HE is my 'mark on life' that I leave.

March's of life

This is March. I usually tread lightly in March. It has been a bad month throughout my life. Yet this year…..I just feel differently. Yes, today is the day my sister died and took a piece of me with her in a way. And yes, in a few days it is the day my son-in-law passed one year ago. But….maybe it is because of them that I feel joyous this March. 

Life is a time to marvel and March can be so too. 

I don’t know…..yet this year March just feels wondrous. Maybe because instead of mud, I see pure white snow piled high sparkling in the bright sun against the blue sky. We don’t get to see that often, so I do enjoy the sun and blue sky. It opens up a brighter world….and…..I am here to enjoy it all. How blessed am I 

Eternal Rest

I just read an OBIT....

It said, "John Doe entered into eternal rest on May 10 "...

It shocked me.  I mean, whenever my time comes....no way do I want to think about it as I am entering into eternal rest, for haven sake.   No way!  I want to think that I am going into a new world that is happier, brighter, more loving and lots of fun.  I surely don't want 'eternal rest'.  God, I feel like I have had that in this life....LOL.  

I just know the next chapter of my life will be more uplifting.  I know this because....My sister, Joyce, came back and told me so.  She was happy, laughing, and full of joy...she also was chasing boys in heaven...she was always a flirt. And she made me smile and be happy for her in that world I could only wonder abou so many years ago.  When young she tried to teach me to flirt ...but I never caught on. Maybe in my next life I will do better.

No Eternal Rest for me I told my children....do not write that in my death notice!  

Write......that I have entered a whole new chapter of life prepared to dance and sing or make music in a variety of ways. Or...

Say that I have gone to help the wind blow through the branches of trees. 

Say that I have embarked on an eternal trip around this world to see what I had missed.  

Say that....that I have entered a new world where I can watch over others for love never dies.  

Say something suited to me...something more interesting, something more active, and something more profound.  Yes, something more profound.  That is me.

Not sure just what but I have a lot of time to think of something good. :-)

Who does see

I always wanted to have a talent. Always wished I could dance, sing, paint....something.

If I had a talent, obvious it was not.

I searched in my mind. I looked around. I thought surely someday I would find that one thing that shined through my hands, voice, or act.

But...Time went on.

I wondered if others might know something of me that I do not.  

Are the eyes of others bigger than mine, opened wider, filled with sunlight?

Or is it, that I see me as real, a simple person standing on this earth with heartfelt love at the core.

Is that enough?

…To each their own.

No health insurance....Oh my.

No insurance?  Oh my…

I am one of those 'throw away' people that our medical society does not care about. I have no health insurance like a zillion other people in this great nation.  If I was poor enough, they would give me health insurance for free.  If I was old enough social security would be of some help.  If I was considered 'middle' class, I could afford health insurance.  But, I fall between the cracks.  There is nowhere for me to turn.

Hence, the doctors 'patch' you up and send you on your way, knowing full well you are not cured and before long all the symptoms will return and you will right back at their door.  They can't afford to treat individuals without health insurance.  If you do have it, tests are preformed to get to the bottom of the problem so you can be treated right from the start. Otherwise, only the basic is done.

And medications....well, if you have no health insurance....don't even bother trying to get an Rx filled at the pharmacy without having to sell your house or something first.  It is unreal.  

People like me.....no one cares about us.

Do you know how many times I have had health insurance at my jobs throughout my life.....dozens that I paid into and never used as I was healthy as a horse, as the saying goes.  Each time my job ended...so did the health insurance.  I spent thousands of dollars previously on insurance and now that I need it, none are available.  Oh the government will tell you it is out there…and it is, at a price beyond logic.

So I am trapped in a vicious circle.

I am a Throw-Away. I am part of the Ones no one wants to think about as far as the government and medical society is concerned.  Proof that....money talks.

You don't have health insurance…oh well.  Then you better have a burial fund. 

THE VOICE OF RAIN

As the rain came down I sat in the living room. I could hear it tinkle as it hit the glass of the window.  I could hear it pound down on the lawn and it slapped against the cement sidewalk.   I could hear it splash off the roof just before it gushed down my slopping driveway.

 One rain fall.  So many sounds.

Faraway Star

This song has a 'double edge' to it.

I was just turning 11 years old when it came out.  I sang it constantly for years.  It held a special meaning to the child I was. It held a dream.

Then, after I was married....the words held an entirely different meaning of confusion. And of why's.

Then, after I cradled each of my babies in my arms, I sang it to them...it held yet another meaning. Of love.

A simple song packed with mixed emotions.

I still sing it.....when no one is around.  Again...holds a dream.

Shocked Speechless

Most of today I spent alone in silence. Did some work around the house and then read the Elephant Girl by Jane Devin on the Kindle. (http://janedevin.com/)  I could not put it down and now at 2:20 a.m. I finished it. My eyes are tired from reading  (my butt is sore from sitting too long,). I had no idea what the story was about when I clicked on it but, it was one of those books you cannot put aside.

My childhood was the direct opposite from that book.  I had two loving parents with nine other siblings. We had a safe and warm home and 61 years later I still have fond memories of those days we spent together.  Like, the Walton's.

However, my married life was not so good. And it was mostly due to this reason that I could relate to that girl in the story. There were more hardships, turmoil  and struggles than I care to mention. I was young, shy and naive when first married. I thought all married couples were like my parents. So, on the second day of our marriage when he walked out on me, I was shattered. When he returned, I was crushed, due to his cold shoulder and lack of communication. My parents would talk things out, my husband would 'pout' and act like I was invisible. I tried to make things 'better', my marriage vows were important to me. I just was never able to get beyond the walls he had built.  My pleas, begging and tears could not reach through. I was at a lose and in unfamiliar territory.  I walked on egg-shells in our home for so long, I lost any love that might have been there, if it ever was. Now, I am not sure.

I could relate to the book in only a few ways. I know that there is no help out there for people that need it and I know the fear of "now what do I do" or "how can I feed my kids" or "where do I go from here".  I know the nights where you stay up all night trying to figure out how to pay the bills.  I know what it is like to try to feed a family of 4 on $20 a week.  And, sometimes not even that because your husband decides to take that $20 to play bingo to see if he can 'double it' just to come home with nothing.  I know what it is like to have creditors calling and the mail box bulging with bills. I know what it is like to work hard to get ahead only to have someone spend beyond their needs. He buried us so many times...I thought I would drown. He was killing me day by day...by day.

I tried to get away, but...where to?  How would we live?  I left more than once, but always was forced back because....there was no help for me and my two babies.

As Jane wrote in the Elephant Girl of the panic, the anxiety, and the feeling of helplessness that comes over you, I felt that for 26 years.

Although, unlike in that book, I never thought of suicide for the peace that I sought. Instead, I wanted to live in the worse way. I felt like I had not yet begun to live and struggled to breathe each day for my hope and faith remained strong. I just knew, if I can just get through 'this', better days are coming.  Hang on.  Move forward.

Things escalated in my marriage as the years passed. And in the back of my mind I knew when I walked out of that so-called marriage, I would be alone for the rest of my life. It was my fear.  That is what was keeping me at a standstill.

(Maybe, I will give more details in another blog at a later date about my marriage, but during this period of time I refer to it as "I Will Fight No More Forever." [quoting the movie])............


Yet there came a point when staying with him was out of the question.....if I never found someone to love me, I could manage. What was important was to make a happy life for the two children I still had at home.  Change had to be made...and I made it happen. I was working and earning my own money by this time...I could afford to move away and be independent.  I just had to take 'that' step and freedom would be for all of us.

I did it. We were on our own, with no help from him. It took months to get things settled, years to get beyond it. My daughter, age 12, had so much anger in her toward her father, it scared me. My son, age 15, said next to nothing, which seemed to worry me the most. At least, she was expressing her feelings, he bottled his up.

It took time in our nice, new, beautiful home and slowly, I seen the kids faces relax. Then one day....I heard the two  laughing together.  I was combing my hair in the bathroom when I heard it...I stood still...listening. There was laughter in our house.  Laughter..........at long last, laughter. And, I cried.

I knew right then and there, I had done the right thing. Everything would be alright.  I turned back to my reflection with tears of joy streaming down my face and I whispered to me...We've made it.

Life has been a non-stop struggle with breaks of kindness thrown in. That's life, I've learned. Que-sera-sera

Success of a kind, not far different than in the Elephant Girl.

For those of you who have not read about Noah....you  must!

http://noahsdad.com/

thelook.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/06/10006260-targets-newest-model-is-an-adorable-6-year-old-with-down-syndrome

Another year.

Days turn into weeks, weeks into months, months into years.  They blend together and pass so very quickly and before you realize it, a decade has passed.

It is all moving so fast. Too fast.

I was 21 just a few years ago, so it seems.  40 was just 'awhile ago.'  The 50's were 'yesterday'.  Where did it all go?

I was a young girl with hopes and dreams for the longest time.

Then, I was a young mother of two, then four.

I became a grandmother before my mind was ready to be.

Then, somewhere along the line of days, I passed the milestone of age 50.

A decade later....I wonder, "What happened?  Where did my time go?"

I want it back.  I missed too much.

I gave and I took. I gained and I lost. I still want and still need.

How did I come this far without knowing all there is to know?

I need another 50 years.

I want....my young girl dreams.

ConLyn

Enjoy your time...........

In years past, Christmas used to be a BIG holiday which lasted for weeks if not longer. It started around the first of the month preparing for it; decorating the house, buying a tree, making cookies, meals, and gifts buying galore, fighting about when to put the tree up. Christmas morning was for the kids and evening at my parents was for all. We would squeeze 50 plus people into that small house and it was literally elbow to elbow with food flowing, gifts wrap all over, glitter sticking to people's faces, drinking being passed and chatter from every nook and cranny. It was crazy and I loved it! In truth, I miss it.

Things would calm down around 2 a.m. Usually the snow would have piled up outside during our time of fun and always someone’s car would be stuck and we would have to go outside to push them out of the driveway to head home.

Then, the next day my kids would play happily with the new toys and by evening, it would be a trip to visit one of my siblings house to see their tree....this went on every night for a week or two, until all siblings homes had been visited by all siblings and our parents. It was a busy hectic time.

Then one of the nicer days, we all gather back at Mom's so the kids could go sledding down the hill in her yard, while the mom’s cooked. There might be chili, soup or spaghetti (my Dad's favorite). We chatted with one another, never getting bored with our time together. After awhile, a kid would come in for dry mittens, then another, and then another. All the wet mittens that we accumulated were laid over the registers to dry. Every register was full of mittens and we would have to turn them every once in awhile so they wouldn't burn on one side over the hot coal fire of my parents house; and we would be in a hurry to dry them fast before a kid needed dry ones. Before long, they would come in hungry, cold, and happy. We fed them; they played inside, warming up while we parents dried their snowsuits on the clothes bars. And after awhile they donned their outerwear and back out they went to play in the dark.

We parents would treat ourselves to a slice of pie or some other goody not realizing that time was ticking away from us. We all pitched in to clean up the kitchen and if we were lucky before any of the kids came back inside, so we had a few moments to sit in the living room where the Christmas tree lights refreshed us. It was a good time back then....Christmas at Mom's lasted over a month. The tree stood for about 6 weeks or so. Long after everyone else had packed their things away, you could still go to my parents and enjoy Christmas all over again. The ambiance hung in the air.

These days, Christmas day..........is........well, it just is not the same. I am happy to go to work after Christmas day; otherwise I sit home in the silence remembering.

What was...cannot be re-created. Those were the glory days.

This year, with Christmas days away, I don't even have a tree yet. I am a terrible cook so no good smells in my house and baking is just as bad for me. I pulled out some non-breakable decorations to put in the living room for when the two little ones come, and I did buy gifts to hand out Christmas Eve to my loved ones. That is the extent of my Christmas doings.

I still cherish Christmas, thankful for the many, many, many years, of joy it brought me. And, I make the best of how it has changed.

Before, there wasn't enough time to do it all.

Now, all I have is time.

Clean house

It will take more than a miracle to set things right with our nation. If….if that can ever be.

My sadness is for our children and grandchildren. They are the ones that will be most affected by it all. I believe my generation is on the cusp of it…in-between the way of life as we have known it…and the change is that forthcoming. We will miss the worse of it, I imagine. They will be the ones at war as our nation falls further into dismay.

But, I believe in America. Parents and schools need to teach patriotism so they will have the pride to fight for it. They should recite the Preamble to the Declaration of Independence, study the U.S. Constitution, the Bill of Rights and what once made our country great. In the past, 'we' owned America. We need to win her back.

This will be a war within.

Somewhere along the line, people sold out America due to greed and self-advancement.

We need to close our 'doors' and clean house.

Why should our children suffer due to the deeds set forth from their past.

Holiday Spirit Returns

Each December the holiday spirit returns. I am finding mine later than normal but it came. Tonight, I decorated my tree and hung a few decorations around the house. It turned out to be quite a chore, worth every minute.

To add the the festivity, it happened to be snowing heavy here in upstate NY. So everything was covered with the white stuff. It transforms a landscape into a wonderland. The first month of snow everyone loves it, the second month we tolerate, by the third month people start getting testy and if it snows beyond that....LOOK OUT!

It was my daughter's birthday. I called her to say Happy Birthday!! She told me that is was a miserable day outside. I could not believe my ears, "How can you say that?" I asked. "Why it is a beautiful winter day! Just like when you were born. I know because I was there."

She did not appreciate my sense of humor. I wish she was two or three years old again, she believed everything I said back then.

Upside down world

My life has been upside for some time now, since my mom passed away last October. I have not had time to write and don't know what I would say if I could.

I am following Dan Duggan's blog and wish everyone would. I have gone to see him play a few times and he is great. It is a shame that good people suffer so much. I wish him well. The world needs more people like him.

I will write more soon......I hope.

INIQUITOUS

INIQUITOUS
(copyright)
by Connie Scruton
July 7, 2009

A dark Evil descends slithering from beneath the hallowed grounds, surfaced as a snake with forked tongue.

The insular pinhead, devoid of soul, drips its delusive secretion upon the like-minded weakness of other‘s who will crawl upon their belly for a crumb that may be tossed in exchange for their allegiance.

The iniquitousness of a birdbrain will tear down all that was good and sainted, deeming the creators as worthless; a glorified hell is crafted to destroy any goodness that might have remained intact.

Snatch and grasp by seizing what is not of one’s own. Barricading self within a locked enclosure of chain, as a pool of blood sucked from death is viewed as a triumph. This Evil remains in a state of insatiability odium.

Us from the light are sheltered from the deleterious Evil emits. We know it to be forged control that will not prevail.

True power is in knowledge and knowing, in truth and in honor, giving and sharing, and in loving. This is everlasting as the perpetual light we come from.

In time, us of the light will observe the return of humanity after the black cloaks with wide-brim hat shadows eradicate evil from its perch.

Aruba

I just returned from Aruba. I am in love with that place!! I went just in time too because my passport was getting ready to expire. This was the first stamp in that passport so I was pretty excited!!!

It was hot that was for sure. However, if you stay in the shade under a hut on the beach and with the breeze you will be comfy enough until you go into to swim, which will cool you down further. The water is shallow for a long ways out, and warm, you won't want to get out. The color is greenish mixed with the blue water. It is amazing!

The Subject of Life

I always knew life wasn’t easy.

But I honestly thought that….in time, it would become easier. Better. More.

That was my first memory I had on the subject, before I even understood what a subject was. I was so young, too young to be thinking of such things. Yet, there I was. Then at age ten, I grew excited because as I looked around at people I just felt if I had to struggle, at least by the age of 50, or there about, that was when the better life would start to come together. It began as a thought and turned into a goal. All I had to do as the days passed so harshly was to keep right on working for it would lead me toward that better life with each passing year.

I don’t know why I had came to that conclusion at such a young age but it kept a goal alive for me to strive for. I never lost sight of that. It kept me going during the worst of times. I just knew…my day would come.

50 came and went. I told myself, there is no time schedule, per see. Then, 51, 52, 53…………..
…………I guess I am a dreamer.

I suppose….in a small way….it came true. One of the happiest years of my life was when I turned 50. I had hit the prime of my life. I was younger than I ever had been before. I was soaring in euphoria of my own making.

And, as each year passed after that with both up’s and down’s…….I came down out of the clouds for the most part. Well, maybe one foot pointed toward the ground these days.

Even a Dreamer needs to find a base to build from.

The Day is Dawning

The night is welcoming with its peace and silence. It is the best part of a day. There are no outside sources demanding my attention. My mind is clear and free to wander from this moment to the next or slip into a memory.

Memories can be difficult. They can bring a tear for yearning what was or a tear for what you wish you could forget.

Mostly the night’s darkness gives way to light your future. This is where my thoughts usually lay. Wondering how to get from here….to there.

Can I change my course? Does destiny wait for me to find my path? There are so many paths, why am I unsure which is the right path for me? If I make a mistake, if I choose wrong, can I turn around and backtrack? Why isn’t the way lit so I would know for sure? Why is there so much uncertainty in life?

I swore as a child that I would never again ask ‘why’. It is fruitless to ask. There are no answers to be heard. The only answer is within you, how you come to terms with whatever the situation is. It is what it is.

So as the night moments begin to disappear and the light of day just begin to filter in I know that the sounds of life will soon be heard. The silence will be broken as the birds chirp, softly in the distance at first, until others wake and join the chatter. Car engines will roar or a dog will bark, and the sound of a school bus making its stops all will assure me that another day is upon us.

I have survived another night and have been granted a new day. A new day with a clean slate. Mine to fill.

Made In America!

I was very happy to see this recent article and slide show about companies that still produce in the United States, including Harley-Davidson, GE, Caterpillar, and Brunswick produces sleek pleasure crafts. I cannot leave out the Hershey Company, with my favorite Hershey Kisses! (Don't tell my Dad I said that, he worked for 42 years at Nestle, a faithful employee who would never dream of buying anything except Nestle! Sorry Dad.)

Although some of these companies do also produce in other countries, they did not close production here, instead they expanded to other countries. That is what I like to hear.

Click on the Title above to view the article. Also, here are two more links of interest, "You can still buy American" and "How to buy American".

Happiness is...

Are you happy? Could you be happier? Is happiness with you everyday or does it slip in and out of your life? Can anyone be happy everyday or are they refusing to see reality and living in a fantasy world 24/7?

What about the tough times? A death of a loved one or the loss of career both can be devastating but were you able to see the rainbow through your tears?

When my sister, Joyce, died unexpectedly while pregnant I thought the world had stopped. I wanted the world to stop! Yet, when her husband said he picked out a pair of jeans for her to be buried in, my sister, Betty-Jo made the comment, "Oh good, she was dying to get into her jeans!" We all gasped and our eyes bugged out of our heads for about ten seconds; and then, we laughed and laughed. Tears streamed down our faces but we were laughing. Joyce would have thought that was funny, too...if she was beside us. She might have been the one who made the comment herself.

So, there is laughter even in death, its hides mostly, but it will resurface at odd times. Then one day, you will laugh again and not feel gulity to be happy.

I loved Joyce, she was my big sister and to me, she was perfect. She was sweet, kind and lovable. Its been twenty years but the tears flow at the thought of her. Strange isn't it? But that is how it goes.

Joyce brought me happiness and for that I am forever grateful and I smile.

I learned something from her death, I learned that I have to live and enjoy whatever I can before death knocks at my door. And, it will.

Happiness is.......more than a single aspect of life. It is...uh...how you perceive your world and how you pull yourself back together after life kicked you in the teeth.

Happiness is...laughter. It is fun. It is loving and joing others. It is...having a connection with those you love and knowing they are there for you during the worst of times. Happiness is sharing 'this' moment.

Check out this video clip about a research group of young men who agreed to be part of a study for the rest of their lives. These men are now in their 80's and what the study discovered about Happiness. What do you think?