Most of today I spent alone in silence. Did some work around the house and then read the Elephant Girl by Jane Devin on the Kindle. (http://janedevin.com/) I could not put it down and now at 2:20 a.m. I finished it. My eyes are tired from reading (my butt is sore from sitting too long,). I had no idea what the story was about when I clicked on it but, it was one of those books you cannot put aside.
My childhood was the direct opposite from that book. I had two loving parents with nine other siblings. We had a safe and warm home and 61 years later I still have fond memories of those days we spent together. Like, the Walton's.
However, my married life was not so good. And it was mostly due to this reason that I could relate to that girl in the story. There were more hardships, turmoil and struggles than I care to mention. I was young, shy and naive when first married. I thought all married couples were like my parents. So, on the second day of our marriage when he walked out on me, I was shattered. When he returned, I was crushed, due to his cold shoulder and lack of communication. My parents would talk things out, my husband would 'pout' and act like I was invisible. I tried to make things 'better', my marriage vows were important to me. I just was never able to get beyond the walls he had built. My pleas, begging and tears could not reach through. I was at a lose and in unfamiliar territory. I walked on egg-shells in our home for so long, I lost any love that might have been there, if it ever was. Now, I am not sure.
I could relate to the book in only a few ways. I know that there is no help out there for people that need it and I know the fear of "now what do I do" or "how can I feed my kids" or "where do I go from here". I know the nights where you stay up all night trying to figure out how to pay the bills. I know what it is like to try to feed a family of 4 on $20 a week. And, sometimes not even that because your husband decides to take that $20 to play bingo to see if he can 'double it' just to come home with nothing. I know what it is like to have creditors calling and the mail box bulging with bills. I know what it is like to work hard to get ahead only to have someone spend beyond their needs. He buried us so many times...I thought I would drown. He was killing me day by day...by day.
I tried to get away, but...where to? How would we live? I left more than once, but always was forced back because....there was no help for me and my two babies.
As Jane wrote in the Elephant Girl of the panic, the anxiety, and the feeling of helplessness that comes over you, I felt that for 26 years.
Although, unlike in that book, I never thought of suicide for the peace that I sought. Instead, I wanted to live in the worse way. I felt like I had not yet begun to live and struggled to breathe each day for my hope and faith remained strong. I just knew, if I can just get through 'this', better days are coming. Hang on. Move forward.
Things escalated in my marriage as the years passed. And in the back of my mind I knew when I walked out of that so-called marriage, I would be alone for the rest of my life. It was my fear. That is what was keeping me at a standstill.
(Maybe, I will give more details in another blog at a later date about my marriage, but during this period of time I refer to it as "I Will Fight No More Forever." [quoting the movie])............
Yet there came a point when staying with him was out of the question.....if I never found someone to love me, I could manage. What was important was to make a happy life for the two children I still had at home. Change had to be made...and I made it happen. I was working and earning my own money by this time...I could afford to move away and be independent. I just had to take 'that' step and freedom would be for all of us.
I did it. We were on our own, with no help from him. It took months to get things settled, years to get beyond it. My daughter, age 12, had so much anger in her toward her father, it scared me. My son, age 15, said next to nothing, which seemed to worry me the most. At least, she was expressing her feelings, he bottled his up.
It took time in our nice, new, beautiful home and slowly, I seen the kids faces relax. Then one day....I heard the two laughing together. I was combing my hair in the bathroom when I heard it...I stood still...listening. There was laughter in our house. Laughter..........at long last, laughter. And, I cried.
I knew right then and there, I had done the right thing. Everything would be alright. I turned back to my reflection with tears of joy streaming down my face and I whispered to me...We've made it.
Life has been a non-stop struggle with breaks of kindness thrown in. That's life, I've learned. Que-sera-sera
Success of a kind, not far different than in the Elephant Girl.
